I have thought about this for so long. I don't how to put this down. Everything comes up blank. I know I *feel* something but if I were to have to describe it - I don't know that I could. I know I have visitors to this blog, I don't know if I have repeat customers who have any interest in my personal life outside of cute Q pics, but more than anything, I want to write something down for Quinn. 

Last Sunday marked 11 years since the death of my sister, Jenne. Some days it feels like more than 11 years. I have had an entire lifetime of events occur in that time frame, and she wasn't here to experience them with me. She never met Neel, didn't see us marry, and was not alive to meet her namesake, my niece Jennifer, or my daughter. She never visited me during the ten years I lived in Hoboken. Never met my dogs, or cats. And at this point, she would know only my very best friends from home, but none of the new, very close ones whom I have met since her passing. I was 24. My life was just beginning. 

Then there are times it feels like her death was just the other day. I am not one to recall details of my past extremely well. But that day, May 19, 2002, I remember everything. I remember shopping for jeans, getting excited for the Survivor finale, and looking forward to having the house to myself since my mom was away in Dominican Republic. And then, I remember the call from Doug. He was contacted by the hospital and they couldn't tell him over the phone what exactly had happened, which is how he knew exactly what happened. He asked the question, "Is my sister dead?" And they had to answer. Then he took on the responsibility of calling me, calling Liam, and then calling Mom in the DR and telling her she needed to come home.

I am getting chills thinking about my mother on that day. I don't know how she made it through that first night. She could not get home and had to travel hours to a bigger airport to tell them in Spanish that her daughter had died and she needed to get home. 

But she did, and we did. We made it through eleven years. Today, Jenne would have turned 41. She would have been so pissed to be that old. We miss her so much. I miss her so much.  In time, I will start a log of some of my greatest memories of her life. It was so beautiful - she lived an entire lifetime in those 29 years. 

But for today, I'll just say: Happy Birthday Sissy. I love you so much. 

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